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BABYING MYSELF
ALTHOUGH I wouldn't consider myself sensitive about aging, I am aware that my dad has jokingly referred to me as his "almost 30-year-old daughter" for four years.
I'm always down to try a bizarre beauty hack, including strategies borrowed from the champions of looking young: babies.
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I was curious if swapping my face cream, lotion, shampoo, and other staples for newborn-friendly options would have a miraculous anti-aging effect.
At the start of the experiment, I took a status report. Temperamental November weather left my skin dry in some areas, or red and patchy in others.
I had one modest breakout on my chin, and lots of flaky skin around my nose (thanks, constant nosebleeds!).
Since one of TikTok's viral hacks du jour is using diaper rash cream to combat acne and irritated skin, I planned to try it out for myself.
READ MORE: VIRAL HACKS
Meanwhile, I didn't have high expectations for the body care category. All year long, I use various oils and thick body lotions to moisturize.
The only change I predicted when making the switch was a powdery-clean smell – pleasant, but different from the scents I usually choose.
I was very interested to see how my hair reacted to the routine change.
We haven't reached the part of winter where my hair gets flat, staticky, and constantly tangled...yet.
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I worried the experiment would accelerate my descent into winter wildness, especially if baby shampoo proved too gentle to strip styling products from my hair.
But I had higher expectations for an oddball addition to my shopping cart: nipple cream.
While lanolin is made for nursing moms, it's baby-safe and a staple in any baby shower gift basket. I was hopeful my purchase would keep chapped lips at bay.
I have alternated between makeup wipes and baby wipes, depending on which I have a coupon for, since high school, so I knew those were a sure bet.
Finally, I switched my setting powder with baby powder and my cotton swabs with baby-safe versions.
I truly had no clue how either of these might work, and had particularly low expectations for the baby swabs, which came as a bonus with some of my other items.
After all, I primarily use cotton swabs to remove or touch up my makeup. How different can they be?
There was one more thing I was eager to factor into my updated routine: prices.
Having a real baby is expensive, but I predicted switching to baby products could keep my retirement account intact – or at least give it a boost.
I set out to learn if a new routine would transform me into a sexy baby from a Taylor Swift song, or leave me fussy with no resolution but a long nap.
MOISTURIZING MY DRY WINTER SKIN
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On a typical day, I wake up and immediately slap an enormous blob of Pond's cream on my face.
I've used the moisturizer for over a decade and it never fails, and to lock it in overnight, I layer Weleda Skin Food on top.
My Johnson's Baby Lotion came with a smaller container of Cottontouch Newborn Face and Body Lotion. I designated it as my facial moisturizer for the week.
When I first squeezed some into my palm, I fell in love with the fragrance. It's not a powdery scent like most baby products.
But it's not fruity or floral, either. It smells...soapy.
The Cottontouch lotion smells like a fancy hotel soap that won't work very well, but will keep your suitcase smelling fresh when you steal it.
As the description on the package indicated, the formula itself is lightweight and breathable. It's probably too lightweight for me.
My skin soaked up the lotion in seconds, no matter how much I layered on, but it also didn't cause my makeup to pill or look patchy.
Plus, I saved a pretty penny. A massive, 27-ounce bottle of this lotion costs far less than the retail price of my normal moisturizers.
It smells ten times as good, costs half as much, and only works half as effectively, which doesn't add up to a permanent switch for me.
Cottontouch Newborn Lotion: $9.99, 27 ounces
Weleda Skin Food: $16.99, 2.5 ounces
Pond’s Cream: $4.99, 6.5 ounces
FIGHTING A BREAKOUT WITH A VIRAL HACK
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I tried this experiment over a beautiful spring weekend in November.
During the course of the trial, temperatures ranged from unseasonable high-sixties to chilly, face-chapping low-forties.
Temperature changes gave me a crop of modest little pimples, so I decided to try using TikTok's favorite hack to erase them.
The main ingredient in diaper rash cream is zinc oxide, which has strong anti-inflammatory properties.
Plenty of armchair experts in the skincare community swear by it, but some dermatologists warn the occlusive ingredients can make acne worse.
I should've listened to the actual experts. The diaper rash cream felt fine on my face, but after a couple nights, all I had to show for it was more acne.
And once I saw what it did to my chin, I didn't dare apply the cream to my dry, scaly nose and risk more breakouts.
I'll keep using my standard adapelene gel for acne flare-ups – it's inexpensive, a tube lasts me six months, and it works overnight.
Adapelene gel: $12.99 for 0.5 oz
Diaper rash cream: $5.89 for 2 oz
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BEATING CHAPPED LIPS WITH A CHEAP DUPE
Hey, speaking of secret ingredients, though: do you already know what lanolin is?
The waxy substance is derived from sheep, and you've probably encountered it in beauty products without realizing.
The oil is similar to sebum produced by human skin. It protects sheep skin from irritation and wool from the elements, and it works wonders for chapped lips.
For years, lanolin was the basis for Bite Beauty's Agave Lip Mask (RIP!) and it's a cult favorite again thanks to the brand Lanolips.
You can buy flavored, scented, and glittery versions of lanolin from the company if you want to fix dry lips in style.
But me? I was looking for a bare-bones way to repair my chapped lips fast, and nipple cream delivered.
I used the tiny tube just like a lip gloss. Within a few hours of my first, long-lasting application, my lips felt soft and totally healed.
After an overnight application, I woke up with super-soft lips, which also made my lipstick last for a long time when I went out at night.
If you want to save money, this product swap is a great choice. Grab a pack of three tubes for just over $8 and be prepared all season long.
Lanolips Fruity Babies: $13.50 for three .015-ounce tubes
Lansinoh Lanolin Nipple Cream: $8.15 for three .25 ounce tubes
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REMOVING MY MAKEUP WITH BABY OIL
I love using baby oil and a little bit of powder highlighter to make a cheap body shimmer during the summer months, so I usually have some on hand.
I've never found it to be a particularly effective moisturizer. For me, it's a good way to adhere glitter to my body, and not much else.
But I'd never tried using it to remove my makeup, despite being a long-time devotee of oil cleansing.
I've spent the last two years working through a tube of now-discontinued oil-based cleansing balm, and I still have plenty left.
Once I finally scrape the bottom, I'll definitely use baby oil to remove my makeup instead.
It ate through mascara and foundation without exacerbating my breakout, and left my skin unbelievably soft, especially when paired with baby wipes.
While it fell short as a body moisturizer, it was nice to find a backup for when I finally use all of my go-to makeup remover.
I also used baby oil in an ill-advised experiment that left me feeling gross and soggy – more on that in a minute.
Pond’s Cleansing Balm: $6.95 for 3.38 ounces
Baby oil: $5.49 for 14 ounces
WASHING MY GROWN-UP HAIR LIKE A BABY
I didn't have high hopes for the classic "no more tears" formula.
How could a baby shampoo adequately clean my hair, especially after a weekend out? Babies don't even use hairspray!
Despite the extra-gentle formula, baby shampoo actually did a great job of getting my roots clean while leaving my hair super shiny.
Though I'd worried about a loss of volume up top, my hair looked just the same as normal, whether I air-dried or blow-dried.
Will I seek out baby shampoo in the future? Probably not – but I'll definitely be using this bottle to the very last drop.
Garnier Honey Treasures shampoo: $3.79 for 12.5 ounces
Johnson's Head-to-Toe Wash and Shampoo: $6.51 for 27 ounces
Remember that messy experiment I told you about earlier? Well...okay. The problem began, as it often does for me, on Reddit.
Weeks ago, I was on a haircare forum on the website, where I read a woman's testimony about using baby oil in her hair.
She said that in a fit of desperation, she'd used baby oil as a deep-conditioning mask after serious dye damage, and it gave her the shiniest hair of all time.
I would also like the shiniest hair of all time.
I regularly slather my whole head in olive oil and have no problem getting it out, so I figured baby oil couldn't be too different. And I was wrong!
My shower took twice as long as normal, and I still couldn't get all the oil out of my hair, though it felt like I did.
It was only after letting my hair dry completely that I realized there was still plenty of baby oil left in my ends.
So, I hopped back in the shower and shampooed all over again.
Unless you are the random, anonymous Reddit user I encountered in r/HaircareScience last month, don't use baby oil in your hair.
Garnier Honey Treasures conditioner: $3.79 for 12.5 ounces
Rite Aid Tugaboos baby oil: $5.49 14 oz
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REFRESHING MY SHOWER ROUTINE
Believe it or not, the body category was pretty boring, though it also presented some of the most significant savings of my experiment.
I usually use Cremo body wash in the scent Blue Cedar and Cypress, because I like to smell like I got lost in a forest.
Upon photographing my most recent Cremo purchase for this article, I realized I bought the brand's shampoo by mistake – but the scent and formula feel exactly the same.
Did the baby-safe wash clean my body effectively? Yes, it sure did!
Did the baby-safe wash make me smell like a beautiful princess cursed to wander the forbidden woods until the end of time? No! So I'm not interested.
Cremo body wash: $8.99 for 16 ounces
Johnson's Head-to-Toe Wash and Shampoo: $6.51 for 27 ounces
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Fragrance is a big deal to me, so I usually end up using a body oil along with a perfume straight out of the shower.
Then, when I'm getting ready for bed or preparing to leave my house, I slather on a super-thick body lotion, like the Ultra Shea Body Creams from Bath and Body Works.
Even though they cost much more than a bottle of baby lotion, I can mix and match with B&BW fragrances.
I felt a little bored by the powder-puff scent of the pale pink bottle, and I actually don't think it was a great deal, either.
One hefty dollop of the body cream can coat me head to toe, but I needed several handfuls of the baby lotion to lock in moisture.
So, I'll be donating this lotion to someone who appreciates it (as much as a baby can appreciate things, anyway).
Bath and Body Works Body Cream: $16.50 for 8 ounces
Johnson's Baby Lotion: $6.98 for 27 ounces,
SETTING MY MAKEUP FOR A NIGHT OUT
Full disclosure: I like looking dewy. I prefer being "glowy" to matte. I'm also incredibly cheap.
For those reasons, I've had the same container of Laura Mercier translucent powder since 2018, so the steep price tag factors out to a $10/year investment.
Still, I thought that baby powder might present an even cheaper alternative for setting my makeup. And, technically, it did.
You definitely get what you pay for, though. "Real" makeup setting powder looks good in person and on camera, but also feels comfortable on the skin for long periods.
When I tried using baby powder instead, no one looking at me could tell the difference, but I sure could.
The thick, cornstach-based powder left me feeling dry, itchy, and uncomfortable.
When I applied it each day, I was happy to know I had lots of baby oil waiting for me at home to melt it off.
Laura Mercier setting powder: $40 for 1 ounce
Johnson's Baby powder: $5.97 for 15 ounces
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TAKING OFF MY MAKEUP FOR A NIGHT IN
The biggest wildcard item was the "safety swabs," which were a random bonus addition to my baby product purchase.
I didn't have high expectations for the "free gift," but they ended up converting me.
The thin tip of each swab is ideal for cleaning up eyeliner and lipstick, while the fluffy "head" can absorb much more product than a normal cotton swab.
For a while, I used pricey, super-thin "precision swabs" from a makeup store to correct my messy makeup.
But actually, these bulky, bouncy, baby-safe buds do the job more effectively, with less waste. They're worth the $2.75 upgrade.
Q-Tip brand standard cotton swabs: $2.26 for 170
Johnson's safety swabs: $4.99 for 185
At the end of the week, I felt well-moisturized. My hair was shiny. My face smelled great. And my chin was covered in acne.
So, yes, using baby products did give me some "anti-aging" effects, in that I was left feeling like a teenager.
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For the most part, the change to my routine wasn't all that disruptive, and it will be easy to integrate the items I like into my beauty regimen.
There was one area where I saw the most significant difference: price.
I totaled up the cost of my "babified" routine, accounting for full-size versions of my sample products, and compared it to my normal products.
The baby products only cost $53.97, while my own beauty staples cost $117.97.
That's a $64 difference. Making the swap full-time would slash my costs in half...or would it?
I know I'd go through the moisturizing products in a fraction of the time it takes me to work through a tube of Skin Food or Bath and Body Works lotion.
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Instead, I'm going to donate the items I know I won't use to moms who will get their money's worth.
I'll keep the other items on my shelf until I use up every last drop. No matter how almost-30 I am, there's nothing wrong with babying myself.